Kill

I should start blogging again. But now I just want to post JimmyEatWorld's Kill. 
My LSS for the day.


Well, you're just across the street
Looks a mile to my feet
I want to go to you
Funny how I'm nervous still
I've always been the easy kill
I guess I always will

Could it be that everything goes 'round by chance? (chance?)
Or only one way that it was always meant to be (be)
You kill me, you always know the perfect thing to say (hey hey, hey hey)
I know what I should do, but I just can't walk away

I can picture your face well
From the bar in my hotel
I wish I'd go to you
I pick up put down the phone
Like your favorite Heatmeiser song goes
It's just like being alone

Oh God, please don't tell me this has been in vain (vain)
I need answers for what all the waiting I've done means (means)
You kill me, you've got some nerve, but can't face your mistakes (hey hey, hey hey)
I know what I should do, but I just can't turn away

So go on love
Leave while there's still hope for escape
Got to take what you can these days
There's so much ahead
So much regret
I know what you want to say
(Know what you want to say)
I know it but can't help feeling differently
I loved you, and I should have said it
But tell me just what has it ever meant

I can't help it baby, this is who I am (am)
Sorry, but I can't just go turn off how I feel (feel)
You kill me, you build me up, but just to watch me break (hey hey, hey hey)
I know what I should do, but I just can't walk away 

The Shooting Star

like a shooting star, we fall

Shooting stars fall. And sadly (or comically depending on where you're coming from), so do we. We fall. Hard. Deep. In line. Into place. In love. Hard when we are clumsy. Deep when we are too high. In line when we have to, because we have to. Into place when we work for it. In love when-ever. Whenever we have the chance.

Exactly two weeks ago, my birthday night... After dinner and drinks, I was looking up above. For a long time I've never seen so many stars in one clear sky (I guess too many skyscrapers, pollution, concrete, and night lights in Metro Manila). I was delighted, I felt the cool breeze of the sea, heard the sound of the waves and the silence of the night. I wished for time to stand still and let me stare at the gorgeous view of the sea and the night sky. Nothing else matters.

We stared and marveled at the constellations, trying to connect the white dots and come up with all sorts of shapes while we talk about hopes and dreams. For 15 minutes we looked above, and right there and then a shooting star came as we were staring at one part of the sky. Closed my eyes and made a wish. I got a shooting star for my birthday... and it was a perfect cap for the night.

It lasted for less than a second.

A small debris of meteor rapidly moving towards the earth's atmosphere. And I believed. We all believed that it can grant us a wish. We fall to the idea of having extraterrestrial projectiles that will help make us feel better... about our outlook in life. about our uncertain future. about what we always wanted to have. Because we fall in life--mistakes, embarrassments, shortcomings. Like shooting stars, we fall. And sometimes we all wish that it was just for less than a second.

Why is it so difficult to fall? Why shouldn't we? Why do we fall HARD? Because we are made to stand up. We don't want to fall because it's a mistake. By Webster definition, it doesn't sound good: moving downward, typically rapidly and freely without any control from a higher to a lower level. Operative word is control. We lose control...when all the time we wanted to be in control. Of our fate. Of our lives. But we can't avoid it as much as we want to...no matter how much we try to avoid it...no matter how much we prepared for it. We fall hard. And most of the time we're still caught off guard.

That's also why we fall DEEP. We wallow on the fact that we did fall. That it's something we can't explain. Something that's beyond comprehension. That even if we did prepare, something will put us out of control.... it hits our pride. Our position. Our worldview.

Like shooting stars, we fall. We fall IN LINE. Wait for our turn. Fall in line because we can't have it all in one place and all at the same time. We fall in line and stay there because it's required. We fall in line, maybe like stars, where we are placed meticulously under the night sky. For people to stare at. Or another way to put it is... for us to shine for others. Be someone's guiding light. It's not so bad to fall in line. To be in place and be there for a reason. Maybe waiting for our chance, waiting for our turn. Just be there. Standing still. Until it's time to shine.

And when our turn comes, we still fall.

We fall INTO PLACE. After we give in to that hard fall, commit to the danger... after that split second ecstasy, after we wallow into the mistakes, the past and all we hesitate to let go... after patiently waiting for our turn... we still fall...and we fall into place like it should. We went down, lose control, wait a little. and then we stand up. We fall into place...we stand up. To where we really belong. Everything will fall into place like what most people say. It doesn't matter now. Here we go. Where like shooting stars we fall and then finally commingle with the sky.

I guess It's okay to fall. We all do. We make mistakes. We struggle. We become weak. We lose control. We all fall. What matters is how we all get up, right? What matters is we do stand up and move on. Or better yet accept the fall and work through it.

This is where we are now. We fall in love. It's not a bad thing to fall in love, whatever the consequence is. At least we know we can. That we are capable of letting go of all the senses. Letting go of free will. Letting go of what's comfortable. Letting of of ourselves for another. We fall in love and can't explain it. Until we realize that it all happens in one instant--like a split-second shooting star. It all happens at one time--we fall hard, deeply, in line, into place. And we don't want to be anywhere else feeling something else. The sky is clear, and the sea is almost as calm as the night. It all happens there. And nothing else would matter because you can't figure it out but it's okay. We are shooting stars.

I guess the explanation for them all lies at the fact that when it does happen... we just wish there is something to cushion the fall. Something that will not just make the fall easier... but something that will make us want to do it all over again.

We're not perfect individuals. We fall like a shooting star. And I don't know about you guys... but I wish I am a shooting star, so that for every time I fall (in love) I'll be granting someone a wish... but unlike a shooting star, I'm not gonna be here for a split second... but for a lifetime.

The Eligible Bachelor

hello ladiessssss.

Cruised in his Porsche 911 down the street. Got out of his car and did a red carpet entrance. Cladded with designer clothes, flanked by his bodyguards and his drop-dead gorgeous date. Striding across the hall with his I-own-this-place-attitude. Smiles. Nonchalant. Elegant. Making his presence felt. Everybody's looking his way. And everyone gossiped about how he was worth a billion bucks... He suddenly smooches his date and did a little PDA that shocked the mob. Ok, I made this last sentence up.


But you know who I am talking about.


PNoy is a bachelor. Some may argue the most eligible bachelor. Being the patriarch of 90million hopefuls hope-fools, with literally an army to back him up, he emulates power in every goddamn way. Who wouldn't fall for someone like him? Gulp.  :|


Now, the real issue for me is quite pressing: Looking at Pnoy makes me wonder what would it take to be an eligible bachelor. I know that applying many people's standards won't even put PNoy under the term "eligible" for some obvious "homer" reasons.  


By eligible I mean someone who's gonna knock you off your feet without much effort. Someone who's been there, financially and emotionally stable. Someone who can carry a decent and meaningful conversation. Someone who's slick, even sarcastic, and confident. Someone who exudes masculinity and tempered silence. Smirk on his face knowing that everyone looks at him with admiration and wishful thinking. Proud of himself yet humbled by who he became to be. 


Eligible means ready. Cut-out to become your McDreamy. A big fish. One that's really hard to find. One who's a keeper.


Why would girls drool over such a catch? Because men like those are scarce. Seldom found. And what would it take to be someone like that? A billion bucks? Harvard education? Executive directorship? Pondering about these questions led me to believe that men have the birthright--or maybe more appropriately curse--to be the breadwinner... not just for families, but for themselves... To strive for success. To strive for QUALIFICATION. To strive for stability. To prove themselves capable. To become the man girls will line up to get a piece of.


Ladies drool over McDreamy for the qualities he brings to the table. And these qualities often pertain to looks, stature, and potential. Romanticized. 


More and more I find it very difficult for men to become eligible. You girls have criteria all over. Height. Hair color. Complexion. Overall looks. Accent. Clothes. Money. Career. Car. House. Attitude. GUYS: Have all of those... and ladies will go gaga over you. Most people say men are superficial. Well I've got news for you: so are women. 


To become an eligible bachelor, you must have compelling characteristics that make girls want to take you home to their parents and get married the day after (Haha :|). That is why I think many guys get married at 30-35 years old. That way you have experienced around 10 years of your career, been where most people strive to be, had everything under control. Really independent of anything. Stable and satisfied. 


It really would make sense. 


But most people decide to get married way before the "eligible" stage and they seem to be happy about it. They can enjoy the kids more because they are still young. They spend the day with the wifey and enjoy each other's company without being concerned about getting tired too early. And I admire those people. Many of my friends are in fact getting married soon (some are already married) and I can't help but be proud of the things they sacrifice in order to be together.


It really would make sense to wait and become the eligible bachelor who has everything girls would really drool about. But in the end it's the question you have to answer by yourself: are you eligible enough to get married or not? Sometimes it's just a state of mind. Sometimes it's just a matter of choice. Oftentimes it doesn't even matter. And if you guys find someone who would accept you not as McDreamy (or like PNoy :| ), like the "eligible" bachelor this world defined it to be, and just accept you for who you are a-la-BrunoMars... then she might also be a keeper like you always are. 


I admire girls who would look past those superficial and worldly traits...


And for girls who are apparently superficial: our post-midlife-crisis President is still available. Or... you can wait all you want for the so-called (but highly disputable in so many angles) Mr. David-Beckham-of-the-Philippines all you want... But for all I know, his namesake is not all that true anymore 20 years from now. 


So what does it take to be an eligible bachelor? absolutely NOTHING. Every guy deserves to be considered eligible (although anyone can use a Porsche, or a TonyStarkAudiR8). Every (caveat: nice and sincere) guy should have a chance to sweep you off your feet. 

Ready for primetime

Michael Jordan. His airness. Arguably the greatest basketball player ever. Entered the NBA after college, went on to be a six-time NBA champion. Won his first at the age of 28. Jose Rizal, Philippine national hero. Wrote Noli Me Tangere and El Filibusterismo at the age of 26 and 30, respectively. Manny Pacquiao, pound-for-pound the best boxer in the world. Won the WBC Super Featherweight International title (the one that catapulted him into worldwide success) at the age of 27. Alexander the Great. Conquered half of the ancient world when he was 28, and many would have believed he could have conquered the world if it wasn't for his death at the age of 32. 

Those men were in their prime when they achieved such greatness. I could name a lot more (if I wasn't pressed for time :|) but the point is, MEN usually are at their best during the age of 25-35. It makes sense in the modern era where people in their prime are 3-5 years out of college, have some work experience, are matured enough to make decisions, have the complete worldview. 

And by this very moment, my generation is at its prime. It dawned on me that the next ten years of my life may be should be the best ten years of my life. I'm neither young nor old, neither reckless nor reserved, neither careless nor attached. But what I should be... is the very best that I can be. Otherwise it's just not happening. 

By now we should know (or at least have an idea) on what we want in life (if you haven't, then call a friend). Because every time we make mistakes from here on, it gets more and more difficult to get it right. So I ask my generation, are we ready for primetime?

It's a scary thought, well life is. But nobody said it would be easy. Michael Jordan and Manny Pacquiao didn't become the best athletes overnight. But they did come out and play their parts. This year, I enter the uglier part of 20s and I look upon myself saying I'm going to be at my best. At least I hope I would.  

I don't have to be Michael Jordan (well, he's 6'7" so touche), or Jose Rizal (he's 4'11" so bwahaha), or even Manny Pacquiao (he's ugly even if he's got money)... All I want is to reach my potential. Nothing goes to waste. And this goes for all of us braving in the world out there. 

I am ready for primetime. Let's all be who we all hoped for we'll be.

Coming full circle

coming full circle

At this point of the year, a lot of people reflect on what they did for the past twelve months. No matter how SSDY (same sh*t different year) this may be for most of us, we do find it genuinely compelling to look back at what we have gone through this year.


Sure, it's easy to remember the goals reached, the dreams achieved, and the dramas we overcame. As egoistic as I may be, I wallow at my successes and triumphs for 2010 and try to play them over and over in my mind... Whether you like it or not, we do find comfort in looking at ourselves as winners. How do I know this? Because it sucks to be reminded of otherwise. It sucks to remember and look back at what we have failed to do.


2010 is a banner year for many people. Manny Pacquiao won his 8th title (in the same number of weight classes). PNoy became the 15th president of the Philippines. The LA Lakers won their 2nd straight NBA title (I was in a meeting when they won against my Boston Celtics and boy I was pissed all day and didn't even watch game 7 ever). Katy Perry won the sexiest woman of Maxims (for the record, Emmanuelle Chriqui won the top99 of AskMen.com and I am not complaining either). Venus Raj won 4th runner up in this year's major-major Ms. Universe pageant.


But for us mere mortals (and those who can't make it to the top100 hottest list of some things), we look back at this banner year with mixed emotions. Because some people lost a loved one, while some people gained some friends for keeps. Some got accepted in a world class business school, while some people turned their backs on such opportunities. Some people quit their jobs, while some people got an offer for their dream jobs. Some people got thin, but some people gained so much weight. Some people lost their touch, while some people became really inspired. While some people got everything they need, some people seem to want more than that... Some people won some things, and some people lost some things. Some people got in touch with reality, and sadly, some got stuck in the moment.


These things sound awfully familiar because yes, all these things happened to me this year. It was a banner year for me as it probably was for you. Exactly 360 days are gone just like that and I now realize there is something poetic about this number. Because at this point we come full circle (for those who don't get it: 360 degrees, haha just messing), and we're looking to start it all over again.


It doesn't matter if we have mixed feelings about our successes and failures, because as cliche as it may sound, life goes on.  We look back and reflect about the things we did, the things we should have done, the things we failed to do. The things we were successful in and proud about. But we shouldn't be stuck in the moment. Yes, it is helpful to cherish all the fun embarrassing moments and reflect all we want on the things we failed to do... but it doesn't stop there. We know it's not enough to live at the thought of our successes, or to wallow inside the lonely road of regrets. We go on and start at the dot.


What Christmas and the yearend offers is the time to reflect on what we have done all year. Be thankful for what we have, and probably whine about those we don't have. We write down resolutions, because we all want a clean slate. A better year. A better life. And any person not wanting a better life is either crazy or just in plain denial. Because it doesn't come easy. In fact, it is hard. It requires hard work. And most people are afraid of that. (sad part is we all know this)


We come full circle, 360 degrees. It's not a perfect year for me or for any of us. Far from it. But as sad as it may sound, we begin at point A again after this. One may argue that it's a vicious or virtuous cycle--well it doesn't matter anyway. What matters is we struggle to live each year--at the end of which we try to recount our blessings and curses. What matters is we do something about it.


Another 360 degrees on the way and we have a clean slate to do it as we please. I don't know with you, but my circle's going to be more awesome next year. I dare you to beat mine.

The Dreamcatcher

A small dreamcatcher can cost you less than a hundred bucks. All your nightmares can go away, all your finest dreams can come true. I wish it was all that easy. A hundred bucks. But who am I fooling. It never was easy to reach your dreams or get rid of your nightmares.

For the past two weeks, people would flock into lottery ticket booths to take a shot at luck. I know I did. I mean who wouldn't? A shot at being an instant multimillionaire. ~500million pesos. Imagine all the Jack Daniels I can buy, or the cars I can drive, or the women I can seduce with those (haha). Imagine all the people I can help. Imagine all the time I can spend spending those money. Imagine not having to work everyday.

The probability of winning a lottery is, I've said this before, essentially the same whether I placed a 20-peso bet or not. But why place a bet in the first place? Well, for one 500 million is really tempting. Winning this pot would solve a lot of problems I am having right now or will be having in a not-so-distant future. Basically, I'm insuring my current and future family's future.

But I wasn't lucky enough. As well as the tens of millions of Filipinos who collectively hoped for a better future in a higher income tax bracket. Because that's what we all hope for. An easy way out. Like when we pretend to be sleeping whenever we needed to do some chores. Like when we pay an extra to the licensing officer to get our driver's license faster. Like when we fabricated a cheat sheet on our midterms because we were too lazy to memorize a theorem. Like when we quit.

The thing is, I wish everything was easy. That when I wake up tomorrow I'll feel better and detoxified. That when I wake up tomorrow I'll be rich, powerful and famous. That when I wake up tomorrow I'll be successful. That I'll have everything I want: a posh condo on the upper east side, Leighton Meester lying on my bed, a chauffer driving my bentley, a G6, a yacht, and season (court-side) tickets to the Boston Celtics. 

That's until I was served by a kick: a sudden feeling of falling that makes me wake up from all these.

When we finally wake up, we all want an easy way out. But that's because nothing was ever easy. We are made this way. Fragile. Incomplete. Miserable. Lonely. Because if we had everything, what else is there to live by? What else is there to strive for? What else is there to struggle with? Life is what it is: HARD. And I admit sometimes I don't like it.

Sometimes I just want to have a dreamcatcher. Because it promises to get my finest dreams and get rid of my worst nightmares. But let me tell you this. The only dreamcatcher we are going to have... Is an inspiration. (not inception, sorry) Inspiration. Why? because we don't need a superficial dreamcatcher to reach for our dreams or fight against our worst nightmares. 

In reality, all we need is to be inspired. Take a brighter look at life. Begin living for something. Start rooting for something real. I truly believe that it is hard to get to where we want to be. And all it will exactly take is hard work to get from now to there. What makes it easy for us is to be inspired. Look for an inspiration, like our mothers or fathers, lovers, dogs, Albert Einstein, or Brad Pitt, or whoever, whatever. Be inspired. 

blame her

Look for your own dreamcatcher. It doesn't have to cost you a hundred bucks. (although sometimes it does and more) I am sure it will make reaching for your dreams a lot easier. And it means you've always got what it takes to reach for them. You just need a little pushing from the outside to be convinced that you are what dreams are really made of. Wake up! You hold the only key to your dreams. Nothing is ever easy. But you can make it easy by being inspired. 

I've made some serious assumptions here. One is dreams are always reachable (I've always made this assumption in this blog). And two, if only Leighton Meester would show up on my doorstep already, it would be so easy for me. Now you all know who to blame if I am still not successful in the near future. 

Teenage dream

my teenage dream

You're 14. What do you know about love? Okay, that's rhetoric. I'm almost twice that age and i still don't know what I know about love. Ask your parents, or grandparents. What do we know about love? Socrates may have the answer, because he said "all I know is I know nothing."

So kiddo, you're 14 and you "fell in love" with a girl in your school. She used to be your seat mate back in second grade and you once lent her your pencil. You teased her a lot--about her weight, her bad breath, her ridiculous accent, her sticky skin, her crappy hello kitty notebooks and most of all her big bulky curly hair. 

But after six years of growing pains and boyhood you realized the opposite sex is called the "opposite sex" for something. That somehow your being a tool's got to change fast. What was that feeling? Every time you see the girl you used to beat the crap out of back in grade school is growing to become a fine woman, there was an adrenaline rush... something came up (no pun intended) and it's called a teenage dream. Smitten by her long black hair, white teeth without braces, sparkling eyes, suddenly she smells great... she's now taller than you, growing in all sort of places you used to puke about.  

My oh my how she's grown to be someone you never thought you would like. And that feeling is priceless. Savor it. It's not first love. Might be puppy love. But what it really is... is your only fond memory of your innocence on attraction. Naivete. What do you know about love? Let me guess, it's the longing for someone's attention, for some connection, for something you and the other can share. The feeling that you should spend 24/7 with that person. The only one who matters. The world stops and your heart skips a beat. You've never felt this way before. And you'll die tomorrow if you can't let this all out today. You had to try and say it. Nothing is more important.

My friend, you are dead wrong. Like you were wrong about the Tooth Fairy or Santa Claus. Like you were wrong about wrestling and Superman. It gets complicated. Talk to me after 10 years and tell me what you think love is. Talk to me after 20, 30, 40 years and tell me something about love. You will never look at love the same way you look at that girl who caught your eye in high school like living will never be the same again. 

I just wish it is as simple as that. Back in high school you just have a crush, and for all you know she's already the one. We've all been there. I get it that Katy Perry sang about living a teenage dream. It's when life is so simple that you don't have to worry about getting married, having kids, paying the bills and amortizing your house. It's the only time you don't have to worry about not getting along, compromising, and breaking each other's neck for all you care. The only thing you care about is the two of you... the world can end.

10 years later, you're 24 (obviously I can add). At this day and age it's hard to find a teenage dreamy feeling. The world's not as simple as it was back in high school. Besides, the girl in your teenage dreams might have ended up looking like an elephant 10 years later. Kidding aside, ignorance is really sometimes better. Innocence is better. Because the world is not as great as advertised. You would want to be a 14-year old loser all your life because the world is a bigger bully than all the jocks in high school combined. 

And if you're looking for the girl of your dreams.... sure there are plenty of fishes in the sea. The perfect woman is maybe out there. But love is hard to find. It's okay to feel teeny dreamy every now and then but it shouldn't rock your world like when you were 14. Be mature. Enjoy. In the end we all know nothing about love. About relationships and how it's going to turn out. We just don't. It's a good feeling. But a teenage dream is still just a dream. You will have to wake up sooner or later.

So be sure to choose the right one. Take your time. Don't rush it like a teenage dream. Because remember... there's always a bigger fish. Make sure you won't regret eating a catfish when a caviar comes along. 

If you're 14 and having a teenage dream, enjoy. If you're my age and having the same dream, wake up. It's probably a bad one. But if you can't help it, I just hope you have a dreamcatcher. It might be worth the try.